‘My general!’
‘Colonel!’
‘I have the honor to report that something very strange is occurring
in camp.’
‘Speak, colonel.’
‘I am reliably informed that one of our soldiers felt slightly
unwell, at the beginning; then his discomfort increased; later he
felt a terrible pain in the stomach; and finally he vomited three
live crows.’
‘Vomited what?’
‘Three crows, my general.’
‘Caspita!’
‘Doesn’t it strike my general that this is a very peculiar case?’
‘Peculiar, indeed!’
‘And what does he think of it?’
‘Colonel, I do not know what to think! I am going to report it at
once to the minister. Therefore…there were…’
‘Three crows, my general.’
‘There must be some mistake!’
‘No, my general; there were three crows.’
‘Well, I accept it, although I cannot understand; who informed you?’
‘Major Epaminondas.’
‘Send him to me at once, while I am sending the report.’
‘At once, my general.’
‘MAJOR EPAMINONDAS!’
‘Present, my general!’
‘What story is this, of the three crows that were vomited by one of
our sick privates?’
‘Three crows?’
‘Yes, major.’
‘I am informed of two, and no more, my general; but not of three.’
‘Well, two or three, it matters little. The question is to learn
whether they were in truth real crows in the case in question.’
‘Without a doubt, my general.’
‘Two crows?’
‘Yes, my general.’
‘And how did it happen?’
‘The simplest thing in the world, my general. Private Pantaleon left
a sweetheart in his village, who, according to report, is a dark
girl not a little salt and pepper. What eyes she had, my general!
They shone like twin stars! What a mouth! How mischievous her
glance, how playful her smile, how trim her form, what a deep bosom,
and what a delicious dimple in her cheek…’
‘Major!’
‘Present, my general!’
‘Be brief, and omit every unofficial detail.’
‘At your orders, my general.’
‘What was the conclusion of the story about the crows?’
‘Well then: the lad was downcast because of the painful absence of
her whom we know, and would not eat or touch a thing, until at last
he became very ill, with a pain in his stomach, and he began to
vomit without stopping. In one of the spells, pouf!...two crows!’
‘You took occasion to look at them?’
‘No, my general; I am telling what I have heard.’
‘And who brought you the news?’
‘Captain Aristofanes.’
‘Let us conclude! Tell him to come immediately.’
‘Immediately, my general.’
‘CAPTAIN ARISTOFANES!’
‘Present, my general!’
‘How many crows did Private Pantaleon threw up?’
‘One crow, my general.’
‘I have just learned that there were two crows, and earlier they
said three.’
‘No, my general; there was only one crow, fortunately; but
nevertheless, saving the respectable opinion of my chief, it seems
to me that one was enough to cause the case to be considered an
unheard-of-phenomenon…’
‘I think the same, captain.’
‘One crow, my general, is in no way remarkable, if we consider it
from the zoological point of view. What is a crow? Let us not
confuse it with the European crow, my general, which is the Corvus corax of Linnaeus.
‘The species that we know about here is included in the numerous
family of the diurnal Rapacia, and I hold that we are dealing
with a true and genuine Sarcorhamphus, since around the base
of the bill are visible the characteristic feathers, in which
respect they differ from the Vultur papa, from the Cathartes, and even from the
californianus itself. There
is a difference, however, between the learned opinions of the
zoologists regarding the word gallinazo.
‘Captain!’
‘Present, my general!’
‘Are we in a class in natural history?’
‘No, my general.’
‘Let us stick to the subject then. What about the crow that was
thrown up by Private Pantaleon?’
‘There is no doubt of it, my general.’
‘Did you see it?’
‘I did not exactly see it, my general; but I learned about it
through Lieutenant Pitagoras, who was a witness to the fact.’
‘Very well then. I wish to see Lieutenant Pitagoras at once.’
‘You shall be obeyed, my general!’
‘LIEUTENANT PITAGORAS!’
‘Present, my general!’
‘What do you know about the crow?...’
‘Really, my general, the case is remarkable, indeed, but it has been
much exaggerated.’
‘How so?’
‘Because it was not a whole crow, that of the case in question, but
only a part of a crow. What the sick man vomited was the wing of a
crow. I, naturally, was much astonished, and I hastened to report it
to my captain, Aristofanes; but it seems that he did not hear me say
the word ‘wing’, and he thought that it was a whole crow; and in
turn he reported the tale to my major, Epaminondas, who understood
that there were two crows, and he passed the word on to Colonel
Anaximandro, who thought that there were three.’
‘But…and that wing or whatever it was?’
‘I did not see it; it was Seargeant Esopo. You owe the news to him.’
‘The devil! Let Sergeant Esopo come at once!’
‘He shall come at once, my general!’
‘SEARGEANT ESOPO’
‘Present, my general!’
‘What is the matter with Private Pantaleon?’
‘He is ill, my general.’
‘But what is the matter with him?’
‘He is upset.’
‘Since when?’
‘Since last night, my general.’
‘At what hour did he vomit the wing of the crow about which they
tell?’
‘He has not vomited any wing, my general.’
‘Then, dolt of an ass, why did you spread the news that Private
Pantaleon had vomited the wing of a crow?’
‘With your pardon, my general, from my childhood I have known a
verse that runs:
I have a little girlie with very black eyes
And hair as black as the wings of a crow!
I have a little girlie.
‘Enough, idiot!’
“Well, my general, what happened was that when I saw my mate, who
was vomiting something black, I remembered the little verse, and I
said that he had vomited something as black ‘as the wings of a
crow.’ ’
‘The devil!’
‘That was all, my general; and from that the yarn has gone abroad.’
‘Withdraw immediately, addlepate!’
The brave general gave himself a blow on the forehead, saying: ‘A
good piece of work! I think I put five or six crows in my report, as
an extraordinary campaign occurrence!’
